


Downwards To Heaven Or Hell

by Depressing_Fanfiction



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: ;-;, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, And Alex's dad, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Cute, Depression, Hammy is smol, Humorous at times, It will be Jamilton!!!!!!, James Hamilton Sr. is a jerk, Jamilton comes later tho, M/M, So much suicide, Suicide Attempt, Thomas gets pissed at times, Trans!Alexander, iswear, like really later, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-10-04 22:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10291106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Depressing_Fanfiction/pseuds/Depressing_Fanfiction
Summary: Basically the cliche, "getting drunk at a bar and calling enemy to pick you up", except it is gonna be multi-chaptered. So... Yeah.Updates every Wednesday I think!! I might start updating on Thursdays as well.





	1. Chapter 1

Truthfully, Alexander didn’t know why he was here, surrounded by flashing, colorful lights and a cup of some type of mixed-alcohol in his hand. He could be at home, decorating his wrist with red lines, instead of drinking down his pain. But, alas, he was here. The bar had began to empty, a few alcoholics here or there. 

 

Alexander glanced around, before feeling a finger tap his shoulder. The young 17 year old jumped, turning to the 24 year old bartender in front of him. “Hey there. I know you aren’t of legal age… And I also know you’re not an alcoholic. Please, call a friend and go home. Alcohol can screw up your life…”, the girl muttered the last part, looking at one person in particular. “T-Than-Thanks. B-But, I don’ know where- Oh there it is!”, Alexander giggled, rather femininely. He pulled his phone out of his black jeans pocket, staring at the lockscreen. It was a night sky, with the quote, ‘I lost myself somewhere in the darkness’

 

He took a second, staring at the blinking line, before tapping it and entering what he remembered. It must of been correct, because after typing out, ‘killmeplease’, his phone unlocked. He pressed an app that had a white phone with green squares around it. He narrowed his eyes at it before pressing a random contact that was at the top. It read, ‘Jefferson’

 

_ Ring… _

 

_ Ring… _

 

_ Rin- _

 

“Hamilton?”, a voice asked, sounding groggy. Alexander giggled, feeling his heart speed up. “‘Ello there! So, I’m at a bar-”

 

“Wait, why the fuck are you at a bar?”, Thomas asked. “I dunno. Whatever. Come pick me up. It’s called ‘Revolutionary Roundout’”, Alexander recited, looking proud of himself. The bartender smiled briefly. “Whatever. I’m coming. Bye.”

 

With that, the line went dead. “Is anyone coming?”, the woman asked. Alexander nodded. “Yup. My enemy. Although, don’t tell him but, I love ‘em. He can’t know. He’d probably break my heart if it can break anymore, that is.”, Alexander finished off with a giggle. The bartender nodded before walking away, concerned. Alexander instinctively pulling down his binder as a man sat next to him. “Hello there, cutie. What’s your name?”, the man asked. “Um… I’m Alex.”

 

“Well, Alex, how about we get out of here?”, the man began to sneak his hand up Alexander’s shirt, Alexander squirming. “Oh, what’s this?”, the man asked, poking at the bandages that served as a makeshift binder. “S-Sir, please take your hand o-out of my s-shirt.”, Alexander requested quietly, looking down. “Hm... “, the man began to feel under the bandages, Alexander stiffening and flinching while trying to bat the man’s hands away. 

 

The man continued, Alexander begging him to stop. Right when the man stuck a hand down his pants, Alexander screeching, “Stop!”, he heard someone call, “He said to stop.”

 

Jefferson.

 

Alexander let out a breath as the man straightened, “And what’ll you do about it?”, he taunted. Jefferson glared at him. “He is quite obviously uncomfortable. Now move.”, Thomas said, trying to be peaceful. 

 

The man just began to rub around Alexander’s parts, the boy repeatedly telling him to stop. Thomas pulled the now shaking boy away, glaring at the man. He walked out, carrying Alexander. “Are you drunk?”, Thomas asked, narrowing his eyes at the boy. Alexander didn’t reply, latching his arms around Thomas’s neck and gasping. “Thomas rushed over to his car before placing Alexander gingerly in the passenger seat. “Hey, hey. Alex, are you with me?”, Thomas asked the smaller boy.

 

Alexander gripped Thomas’s wrist tightly, gasping even more violently. “Deep breaths.”, Thomas muttered. “Can I touch you?”

 

Alexander nodded, moving Thomas’s hand to his hair. He remembered what John would do whenever he got these attacks. He would gently brush his hair, muttering calming words into his ear. “Breathe with me, Alexander. Ready?”, Thomas requested.

 

“1...2…”

 

Alexander followed him by each number, until Thomas had counted to 10. Alexander was calm now, only shaking. “Hey, it’s alright. I’m gonna take you to your house.”, Thomas told him, sitting in the driver’s seat. Alexander shook his head. “N-No! Please don’t. J-Just take me to Laurens’s house,  _ please _ .”, Alexander begged, his eyes widening. Thomas arched an eyebrow before turning his key and driving off.

 

It was a silent car ride, the only sound being Alexander’s sniffles. But, it was a good silence, because Alexander had become sober again. “Are you sure?”, Thomas asked after 5 minutes. Alexander nodded. “Do you wanna explain why?”, Thomas requested. Alexander just shook his head, Thomas complying. 

 

Once they had parked, Alexander thanked Thomas quickly before rushing to the doorstep. A man that Thomas recognized to be Henry Laurens opened the door, embracing Alexander. Thomas drove off, a worried look on his face.

 

“I-I’m sorry i-if I wo-woke you.”, Alexander stuttered, tears finally breaking free. “Nonsense. I’ll get some tea. Want me to get John?”, Henry asked, smiling and fixing herbal tea for the boy. Alexander nodded quickly, eager for his best friend. Henry carefully stepped up the stairs, stopping at John’s green door. After a beat of knocking, a tired looking John opened the door. “Dad? It’s 3 A.M. What is it?”, he asked, irritated. “It’s Lex. He’s on the couch. Get your lazy ass out there.”, Henry joked, smiling. 

 

John rolled his eyes before processing it. “Shit, I’m coming. Tell him I’ll be there in a second.”, John demanded, closing the door and scurrying to get a box of tissues and some headphones. With that, he walked out and sat next to Alexander.

 

“What happened?”, John asked, stern. Alexander broke down, there, his blue eyes filling to the brim with tears. His wiry frame shook as his oversized sweatshirt drooped off of his shoulders, revealing dark bruises decorating it. But, that wasn’t what John’s eyes were focused on. There was a red handmark wrapping around his neck. “Who?”, John proposed gently.

 

Alexander barely looked up. “I-It was at h-home and I c-came h-home late and then he was beating me and choking me… And… And…”

 

“Sh… You don’t have to continue.”, John assured him, hugging the boy. “N-No… I need to… H-He started to take off my shirt and was about to take off my bandages before I-I ran…”, Alexander stopped there, taking a breath. John looked furious, his hand twitching. “And I got drunk and after I had called Jefferson to pick me up, this g-guy was forcing himself onto me… He didn’t strip me or anything… He just touched me under my clothes… It was h-horrible… I-I feel dirty… And, shit…”, Alexander cried harder, John immediately coming to his rescue. “I fucking swear… You have to tell somebody soon.”

 

“N-No! Please, I can’t. I really can’t. I will soon just, keep it a secret. I’m fine, too. See?”, Alexander put on a fake smile, rubbing at his eyes. He felt his phone vibrate with texts from his father. “C-Crap…”, Alexander reached for his herbal tea, drinking it swiftly. “I-I gotta go.”, Alexander murmured, gathering his jacket and slipping it on. 

 

Tonight… He was in for something beyond big. 

  
He was  _ fucked _ .

 

He thanked John and Henry before walking out and to his home. It wasn't that long of a walk, just one block down. He briefly saw the lights on and heard crashes from his house. After walking up the stone steps carefully, he raised his hand to knock. Before he could, the door swung open and he was pulled inside. His father threw him to the ground, Alexander groaning in the process. "You... Ungrateful... Little... Whore...", James falsely accused him of being. He punctuated each word with a kick or punch. Alexander shook and cried. "This man.", he pointed to the asshole who had attempted to rape him before turning back to his son. "This man... He had offered you something a little girl like you will never get on your own and what do you do? You fucking screech at him."

 

Alexander shook his head. "N-No! He was f-forcing himself onto me and I could've been ra-raped!", he retorted. He immediately regretted it, as he was shoved into the bedroom, right past his bird, who stared at him with a sad look in their eyes. Even the bird was scared! The man and his father followed, both with a dangerous look in their eyes.

That night had been filled with a crime being committed and a  _whole_ lot of pain for Alexander. Once his father had pulled out, Alexander was left a crying, naked, wet and sweating mess on the bed. They walked out of the room while Alexander winced, looking to make sure they had used condoms. Thankfully, they had. All he had to worry about was asking Aaron Burr, who is in the same situation as him, to take him to get tested for an STD tomorrow. 

He cried as he cleaned himself up. He knew how horrible what they did was, and yet he was blaming himself. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS// Mentions of rape, Abuse, Alcoholism

The next morning, Alexander was sore, limping around. He could feel his father’s stare on him as he walked towards the bathroom with some clothes for school in his hands. He quickly shed his clothes and stared in the mirror. His body was littered with bruises and bites, traveling from his thighs all the way to his collarbone. He frowned, grabbing the shower-temperature-thingy and making it into a lukewarm shower. While staring in the mirror, a certain thought had entered his mind.

‘You don’t deserve to live’... That one simple thought brought him to grabbing the nearest sharp object and painting red with a silver brush onto his wrists.

He tried not to look down, instead focusing on the water flowing down his back. After 4 minutes of torture, he was out, dressing as quickly as possible. He clicked his phone on, seeing, ‘7:14’, displayed on his phone. He had 5 minutes until he had to meet friends. Great. He rushed to grab his belongings, slipping a huge sweatshirt with the band name, ‘My Chemical Romance’, in a big spray-paint font.

He limped his way to school, stopping at their usual bench. Once there, he buried his face in John’s shoulder, groaning. “Whoa, what happened?”, Hercules asked, genuinely concerned. “A bunch of shit happened…”, Alexander moaned, looking up slightly at John. John began to run his fingers through his hair, except this time it was different. While it was usually soft and quiet, this time Alexander could practically feel John’s anger.

It didn’t hurt… It was just pressured. The first bell rang, sending them off to their first classes.

____

(I’m gonna show Jefferson’s P.O.V. after he dropped Alex off)

There was a heavyweight in Thomas’s chest like he should’ve brought the boy home. And yet, he knew something was wrong there. It was most likely the cause of Alexander’s quiet demeanor. There was only one person he could think of to call. He pressed a contact and awaited the answer.

Ring…

Rin-

“Thomas?”, he heard Lafayette ask. “Hey, Laf. I have a question for you because Hamilton just asked me to pick him up drunk from a bar.”, Thomas explained. “Hm…”

“How come he’s so scared to go home?”, Thomas asked. There was a sigh from the other line and a muttered, “He’d told me that he’d stopped…”

“His father isn’t the best… I can’t really say anything else.”, Lafayette answered, fidgeting. Thomas’s eyes widened. “Oh… Alright, thanks, Laf…”

“Wait, did you take him to his house?”

“No.”

“That’s good… Although it won’t be when he gets home it would’ve been worse…”

“Bye, Laffy Taffy.”

“Bye, Thomas the Train.”

They both hung up, Thomas with new information. He sighed before pulling up to his house, trudging up onto the pearly staircase.

____

Back to The School Part I was At

Alexander tiredly walked off to his first class, which was an elective, Crime and Law with Mr. Washington. Unfortunately, Thomas Jefferson was also in that class. He walked in one minute late, walking to his seat. Mr. Washington hadn’t started the lesson yet, everyone still talking. Alexander sat in his normal seat, which was assigned to him, that was next to John Adams.

However, thank God, Washington suddenly interrupted them with a, “Alright, class. We’re changing seats so get up and stand in the front of the room quick.”, he demanded. Everyone walked to where he said, anxiously awaiting their new seats. Alexander already knew his fate. He knew it’d be next to someone he constantly rivaled with. Thomas Jefferson.

“Alexander and Jefferson in the back right.”, Washington spoke. Both parties sent each other glances, not much malice in the looks. “Alright, did I miss anyone?”, the teacher asked. Everyone shook their heads and listened to his next statement. “Okay, get to know your new partners.”

“Why didn’t you wanna go home last night?”, Thomas asked, startling Alexander. Alexander looked down and fidgeted with his hands. “I-I wanted to avoid the talk about alcohol.”, Alexander lied. Thomas took pity, changing the subject. “So.. How’s life?”

Alexander rolled his eyes. “Horrible. You?”

“Decent enough.”, Jefferson admitted. “Why just decent?”

Thomas shrugged. “There’s something going on with somebody I know and yeah…”

Alexander nodded, looking down. Thomas had adjusted to this, Alexander’s silence. He wanted badly to help the boy, to coax him into telling everything that happens at his home. Alexander glanced up at him for a second, before snapping his eyes back to his lap. “Okay, class. Let’s get on with the lesson, shall we? Today, we’re examining a court case filed on abuse. This was a real case, so treat it with respect. Also, even if you disagree with who you’re defending, just finish the case.”

Alexander seemed to get uncomfortable at the word abuse, shifting in his seat. He had his eyes cast on one thing on his body. His eyes were cast on a large bruise spreading from his ankle to his knee cap. “Any volunteers to go first?”, Washington asked. Jefferson, Burr, and Madison all raised their hands, as usual. It was always the three of them and Alexander who volunteered.

However, Alexander just ducked his head, avoiding his gaze. He could practically feel the eyes that were staring at him, as he shyly bit the inside of his cheek. “Alright, Madison and Jefferson are defending the victim, Burr you’re defending the one being accused. We have some evidence used. I want everyone, even people who are not debating, to examine it and write an argument from the side I assign you.

“Lee, Accused. Seabury, the victim. George King, Accused. Angelica, Victim. Peggy, accused. Eliza, victim…”, Washington continued down the list. He assigned Alexander to the victim, even though it defied the pattern he was so obviously using.

They all got handed their set of evidence and began to write and examine. Jefferson and Madison were sitting next to him since they were assigned to the same side anyways. “Alright, here we have the bruises on the boy. The one here is on his Side…”

Alexander spaced out while Jefferson talked instead listening to Charles Lee’s words to George King. “The little slut probably begged for his dick… Wasn’t rape.”

(Dudes, I say this every time but, I’m sorry if this offends you. They are big assholes to say this. You’re an amazing person. <3)

“Yeah. He probably ran away just so he could be punished… The little worthless slut.”

Apparently, Jefferson heard too. He glared at the boys before going back to the notes. Alexander raised his hand, Washington immediately calling on him. Alexander muttered out a, “May I go to the restroom quick?”, before walking to it with misty eyes.

He quickly walked into a stall before slamming it shut and locking it. He immediately let the tears free fall, not even recognizing when someone knocked on the door. He let out a small sniffle. “Yeah?”, he weakly asked.

“Hamilton, what happened?”, it was Jefferson, a line of concern wrapped around his words. “Nothing. I don’t need concern… I’m fine…” Jefferson sighed before going to the sink. “Listen, what those two asshats said were wrong. It’s fucking stupid really, because how the fuck would that be someone’s fault? That’s done by people who apparently are so horrible that they need to force somebody into something usually reserved for love.”

Alexander let out a quiet sob before unlocking the door and going over to where Jefferson was. “If it makes you feel any better… Angelica totally ‘wrecked them.”

Alexander chuckled before washing his hands and lifting up some emergency-breakdown-makeup. He applied it well enough that it didn’t look like he had been crying alone in a stall. He finished before turning back to Thomas. “You’re good at that.”, Thomas spoke, before leading them back to the classroom.

____

At the end of class, Washington told everyone except for Hamilton to leave, as he wished to speak with him. “Hamilton, I need you to honestly answer my question… Why are you upset?”

“I’m not.”

“It’s alright to be mournful, Alexander. If something is going on at home, please say so…”

“That all ended when he came back from jail demanding to take me out of foster care and into his care. He’s good enough now.”

Washington nodded. “If you say so. Also, there’s this book I believe you might be able to read. And take your time.”

Washington handed him a book titled, ‘THE ODYSSEY’ Hamilton nodded eagerly, gently opening it. “Do you know any quotes, Alexander?”

“A man who has been through bitter experiences and traveled far enjoys even his sufferings after a time”, he recited, eagerly yet carefully flipping through the pages. For the first time in a while, he cast a genuine smile. “Now, don’t forget the assignment. See ya, Alexander.”

“See you, sir. Thank you!”

With that, Hamilton began to read, before gingerly placing it in his backpack as he neared his house. The car was parked, causing him to groan. His alcoholic father was passed out on the steps, leaving him to carry the man in. Alexander rolled his eyes before carrying the man and laying him on the couch.

He walked to his room before beginning his homework, not hearing anything from downstairs. He really should’ve listened closer, which he learned once his father’s drunk form burst into his room. “Where the fuck were you?”, he questioned, his words slurring.

“School. Where else?”, Alexander sarcastically replied. Before his father could realize, he added a small, “Sir.”, at the end.

“Don’t ‘School’, me! School ended at 3! It’s 4:53.” “Yes, I’ve been doing my homework since 3:13.”

His father suddenly grabbed him by his hair and pushed him so he was on the floor. “Don’t speak to me like that!”, he demanded, each word punctuated by a kick. Alexander wheezed for air, going through a checklist to see if he’d missed any schoolwork. He wasn’t getting to that now.

AP Classes? Check.  
Law and Crime? He had it written down…  
Music? Eh, he’s already doing pretty bad.

That only left one class.

Science… With Mr. Adams… Oops…? He couldn’t focus on that, as his father slammed his fist into his eye. Alexander yelped quickly, feeling panic settle into the bottom of his heart. “S-Sir! S-Stop!”

Alexander paled, as he was never allowed to plead. He’d been in for a rough night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry if this triggered anyone... It's really sad how that can happen to somebody and honestly, whoever did it can go fuck themselves. <333


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I had some free time so why not? TW// Mental disorders, SELF HARM, Rape, Abuse, the usual...

"What'd I say about pleading, son?", his father asked, gripping him by his hair. Alexander didn't reply, squawking in pain. His father growled, seconds before bashing the boy's head into the wall and letting go. He pulled Alexander to his feet rather quickly, the boy beginning to feel dizzy because of it. 

 

Instead of asking, 'You alright?', like some parents would, he pinned the boy against the wall with his arm. Alexander squirmed. His arm began to apply pressure to an earlier formed bruise on his back, so Alexander let a small sob. The pressure causes him to turn around on impulse, running to his room.

 

Right as he closes the door, he realizes how much of a bad idea that was. He locked his door once hearing a knock, looking for any form of escape. "You fucking asshat! Open this goddamn door or everything will be worse for you!"

 

Alexander shook and cried and he unlocked it, rushing to a small space in the back of his closet before the door could open. It was dark and quiet, a small fabric bending down and covering the entrance. It looked like a wall when the shadows from his clothes were cast on it, to Alexander's luck. He hugged his knees and quickly checked his phone to see if Aaron could help him with the bruises. 

 

**_Alexander_ **

_ Burr, I’m really scared right now. I dashed into my room and he’s here now but I’m in my closet and he was pinning me against the wall and I need help. _

 

**_Aaron_ **

_ Alex, take deep breathes (As quietly as possible), I’ll come now. It’s gonna be fine. Is it worth taking you to the hospital? _

 

Before Alexander could reply, he heard his father’s voice say, “Get out of the closet right now.”

 

Alexander was beyond dead. His world stopped turning right there, his heart speeding up. He slowly walked out before his father threw him onto the bed.

 

**_Aaron_ **

_ Lex? You alright? _

 

Alexander quickly typed out one short text.

 

**_Alexander_ **

_ Help. S.O.S. _

 

**_Aaron_ **

_ Alexander Hamilton, I’m gonna be there in 20.  _

 

Alexander muffled out a protest, as his father had immediately gagged him. He proceeded to strip his son of his clothes, before ripping off the bandages. Alexander screamed through the gag, watching as the man stripped himself.

 

And then, it carried on. Just as it usually did. He had taken away what he didn’t deserve and left Alexander a crying, bloody mess on the bed. He had thrown away the condom while glaring at the window. 

 

There was a knock at the door and Alexander rushed into his clothes, putting on his last set of bandages as tight as possible whilst limping. His body felt worse than usually, and his father quickly kicked the boy’s ribs and legs before going down to answer the door. Alexander collapsed on his floor, crying yet again.

 

Tears slipped through the cracks of his fingers, guilt for something that was not his fault rushing into his head. He grabbed his trusty razor, pulling his sleeves up and making his thighs visible. He slid the razor against his skin once, before losing control.

 

Before long, he was bleeding out on the floor, cuts covering every spot on him. He barely recognized somebody rushing into his room, muttering, “No, Lex, no…”

 

He was scooped up. “No… Can’t… Dad’ll kill me…”, he slurred, his mind going fuzzy. “No, he left. He’s somewhere else. You’re going to the hospital…” He tried to escape the grip, the pain on his body finally getting to him as he cried. He was carried into the mystery person’s car before being driven to the hospital as he thrashed. 

 

The rushed through traffic, getting to kimberly’s Hospital in less than 8 minutes. By that time, Alexander needed emergency attention. He was unbuckled and carried in, immediately being placed on a hospital bed and rushed into the E.R. 

 

He thrashed and cried out as they tried to perform surgery on him. A needle was stuck into him, causing him to fall asleep. He groaned before giving in, going limp as they continued.

 

**_2 Days Later…_ **

 

His vision cleared up, all of the bright lights giving him a headache. His breathing sped up, not knowing his location. He felt another thing poking through his skin. He blinked about 6 times, before seeing clearly.

 

He saw 3 figures lined up in the following order. John Laurens, Hercules Mulligan, and Lafayette.  He wanted badly to speak, but he was done with talking. His voice is what had gotten him in trouble, after all. “Alex? Lexi?”, John asked, leaning forward. His expression showed sadness, the two men next to him matching that expression. The only indication Alexander made to show that he was awake, was turn to face the window.

 

“They think you were raped, Lexi. Is it true?”, Lafayette asked, crossing his fingers. Instead of replying to his friend, Alexander fiddled with his hands, his mind playing back memories. It hurt, god it hurt. It was forced. It made him feel horrible…

 

He was  _ DONE. _

 

Tears began to fall as his hugged his knees to his chest and weeped. “Sh, it’s alright. You did nothing wrong, lex.”, Hercules assured him. Alexander glanced once at his wrists, regretting it right away. There was no clear space, all of the skin filled with deep, scarring gashes. His hand subconsciously reached down and scratched at once, until it reopened, blood cascading out. “Lex, no.”, John corrected him, pulling his hand away. He barely heard Lafayette curse before calling the nurse in.

 

The nurse scurried in, her flats making the most obnoxious noise ever. She raised the level of Alexander’s bed while patching him up. “Hello, sir. The doctor and a detective will be here in a few seconds for answers…”, she spoke, looking away.

 

Before anyone could protest, the mentioned people walked in. The detective had a frown on his face, clipboard in hand. The doctor had the same item, but wore a tense smile. The woman detective was greying, as for the man doctor. “Hello, Alexander. We just need to know 5 things and then we’ll leave.”, the detective said as the doctor examined Alexander closely, sometimes checking certain injuries.

 

“Alright, I just need you to answer these so that we have the situation in mind. Do you want them to go or-”

 

“No, let them stay, please…”

 

“Alright, first question: Were you raped?”

 

Alexander froze, glancing away. His answer must’ve been more than enough, as she wrote a three-lettered-word in the column.

 

“Has this happened before?”

 

Alexander nodded reluctantly, tired of lying.

 

“Are there any other types of abuse going on? If so, which ones?”, she asked while writing, not bothering to look up. Alexander gripped Lafayette’s hand tightly.

 

“None that I don’t deserve…”, Alexander murmured.

 

“Do you know who did this?”

 

Alexander nodded quickly, watching as she wrote more.

 

“Does this person have custody over you?”

 

Alexander nodded again, staring out the window. She hummed before muttering an apology and leaving. “Alright, so you’re clean, not pregnant, you’ve been diagnosed with arrhythmia and… Cystic Fibrosis.”

 

Alexander’s air was knocked out of his lungs.

 

**_(I’m sorry. I just found out I carried it and if I have a kid with somebody that also carries it, my kid will die really young but I’m might make there be a cure because plot.)_ **

 

“C-Cystic F-Fibrosis?”, John asked, shocked. Lafayette and Hercules looked confused, the doctor beginning to explain. “Yes, I’m sorry. Cystic Fibrosis is a life-threatening disease that damages the lungs and digestive system. We’re close to a cure… We should have one before you reach 40.”

 

After that it was silent, all of them coming to terms with that fact. “Also, we are going to test you for the following mental disorders.”

 

“But I don’t have any…”

 

“We believe you might have bipolar disorder, Depression, anxiety, ADHD and you may develop PTSD.” 

 

Alexander turned away and fell asleep, tired of all of this. 

  
What he’d never of expected when he woke up was the sight of Thomas Jefferson at his bedside. “Hm?”, he mumbled, looking into Thomas’s eyes. “Hamilton. Hey.”

 

“W-Why’re you here?”

 

“Well, for one I care about you and two, I assumed you, being you, would want the schoolwork.”

 

Alexander nodded eagerly, a smile working its way onto his face.

 

Little did he know that this was the beginning to so much more.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry dudes. Also, Cystic Fibrosis is no laughing matter and when I grow up, I plan on finding a way to cure it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Same trigger warnings. This is pretty short. I'll make up for it, I swear. I've been busy. <33 Enjoy!

“Well?”, Thomas asked, beginning to get frustrated. Alexander didn’t respond to the math question for the seventh time, focusing on the set of pills by his bed. “Hamilton.”, Thomas snapped, gaining the boy’s attention. “W-What?”

Thomas rolled his eyes. “What’s 32 1/3?”, Thomas asked, concerned. Alexander knew the answer, in fact, his mind was yelling, ‘1.326!’, but he just couldn’t vocalize it. Instead, he shrugged while frowning. “I know you know the answer.”

“1.326…”, Alexander finally found the way to mumble. “Good… Hey, are you alright?”, Thomas asked, cocking his head to the side. “I’m fine.”, Alexander lied, offering a small smile. “Let’s take a break from school… Did you take your pills yet?”, Thomas asked, putting away the math binder.

Alexander shook his head, staring at the foot of his bed. “Take ‘em then.”

Alexander made no move to grab them, which ever so slightly ticked Thomas off. “Are you still in custody of him?”, Thomas asked. Alexander let a smile creep its way onto his face. He was tired of everyone avoiding the topic. He just wanted to talk about it.

“I hope so… There’s no way I’m going into the fucking foster system…”

Thomas hummed, before thinking. “Wait, but he’s like, toxic.”, he corrected. Alexander rolled his eyes. “It can be worse in the foster system sometimes… I’ll be taken away from my friends and all…”

About a second later, Alexander’s father, whose name was James, walked in. He looked eerily calm as if dealing with familiar territory. “Alexander…”, James greeted, grim. Alexander sent Thomas a look that read, ‘I’ll be fine. Just go quickly.’

And, Thomas left. And, god did he regret it.

James narrowed his eyes. “You fucking idiotic slut!”, James accused, punching the already hurt boy across the face. “I-i’m sorry sir.”

“Sorry won’t cut it! Those fucking idiots are going to take us to court. And you don’t want to be in the foster system, do you?”

Alexander shook his head, taking small breaths. “That’s what I thought. Now, when they ask you what happened, just say that you did it to yourself for parts of it and also got into fights in alleyways.”, James instructed. “B-But sir-”

A hand around his neck while the other hand punched him interrupted him. Instead, he gasped for air. The hand tightened, and Alexander tried to rip it away. Just as he was about to lose consciousness, James let go. “Fucking worthless piece of shit…”

With that, James left, faking tears. Alexander gasped for air as Thomas came in. “Shit, what’d he even do?”, Thomas asked. “I-I’m fine.”, Alexander choked out, crying. “It’s okay… I am so sorry.”, Thomas muttered, cleaning the boy up. He wiped a wet rag against Alexander’s eyebrow before turning around and washing it. When he turned back to the hospital bed, Alexander was asleep.

Thomas smiled before beginning to walk away. He felt a hand suddenly pull him back to Alexander, and he immediately was laying next to the boy. Alexander wrapped an arm tightly around Thomas, forgetting who it was. Thomas pulled the boy closer and slowly began to fall asleep, his eyelids snapping shut. 

___

Alexander awoke to an empty spot next to him, 2 people sitting next to his bed. “Hey, Lex. Herc couldn’t come. Any- Wait, what happened?”, John asked, looking at the marks around his neck and on his face. Lafayette gently traced his jawline with his finger, smiling fondly. “‘M tired.”, Alexander noted.

“Pain meds.”

Alexander nodded, too tired to protest. “Really, though, what happened?”

“I d-dunno. Just say that you did it to yourself…. Or… got it in the alleyway…”, Alexander slurred, accidently repeating his father’s words. “Who told you to say that?”, John asked, looking concerned. “Him.”

Before the conversation could continue, Alexander was asleep.

As he dreamed, he saw the hurricane happen. However, he was the one pounding the buildings and homes down, killing children and adults. His foot raised over a small, frail woman. She had auburn-brown hair and striking blue eyes. Just like Alexander. The same hair color, and eye color. 

(Historical Version)

His foot stomped on her, with no hesitation and suddenly everyone was screaming, screaming, yelling, crying-

“Alex? Alexander? Hamilton!”, he heard a familiar voice call. He tried to swim through the heavy fog, towards his name. 

Great. Who was this one?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same trigger warnings. <333

“Lex. You up yet?”, the voice asked. Alexander blinked his eyes open, looking to the side while sitting up. “Aaron?”, he muttered, yawning. “Yes, dork. It’s me.”, Aaron responded, teasing. Alexander snickered, before turning to face him. “What’s u-” “What happened?”, Aaron interrupted, a serious look growing on his face. “I… It was basically like all the other times. He got drunk… threw me to the bed... I don’t have to explain the rest, right?”, he explained, shrugging. “Fuck him.”, Aaron gritted.

“Anyways, how’s your family?”, Alexander asked. “Suckish. I had to get one of them a beer and apparently, I took too long. So they punched and kicked me a few times… But I’m fine.”, he told him, forcing a smile. Alexander looked at his sympathetically.

“Do you think they’ll put me back on the meds?”, Alexander asked in a whisper. Aaron sighed. “I guess… Why do you sound so sad about it?” “I hate when they do that. I feel like a zombie.” “Yeah, you are like one when on meds.”, Aaron agreed, nodding. Alexander chuckled, rolling his eyes. “What happened to talk less?”, Alexander teased. “Hey, in all fairness, I said talk less, smile more. With those meds, you are as incapable of human emotion as Ciel Phantomhive.”, Aaron defended. That worked a small laugh out of Alexander. The noise was light and gentle, unlike this whole week.

“Hm… Do you think anyone else is gonna come today?”, Alexander asked him. “Maybe… I think your father called to see if he could take you out today.”, Aaron said. “I can’t wait. If he doesn’t, I might jump out of the window and then run.”, Alexander admitted. “You do you, Alex.” Their small talk was interrupted by the door opening. Thomas Jefferson walked in, his hair as curly as ever.

“More homework.”, he sheepishly said, handing him the homework. Alexander hissed a small, “Yes!”, out before beginning to fill in the answers. Thomas rolled his eyes and glanced at Aaron. “Hello, Burr.”, he greeted. Burr nodded in reply, eyes narrowed. “Did I miss something…?”, Alexander asked, smiling. “Nothing. Well, I gotta go Alex. See ‘ya.”, Burr said, waving and walking out. Thomas sat where Burr had. “Alright, what happened?”, Alexander asked again, writing his math equation down. “A group project thing… It’s fine. Anyways, I heard you’re getting out today. Is he still gonna have custody?”, Thomas asked, popping a peppermint into his mouth. “I don’t know… Probably.”, he answered truthfully. “How long were you in foster care?”, Thomas asked. “About 3 years… Why?”, he answered. “Just a question… You seemed to hate it…”, he explained, moving his hands as he spoke. That made Alexander think. As time went on, he seemed to realize just how many things he loved about Thomas. He began to make a mental list.

**‘Things I Love About Thomas Jefferson He moves his hands while he talks and gets passionate and just wow.’**

With that done, he drew his attention back to the boy. “-And I need you to get your game back on track when you come back to school because you’re my partner in many classes now.”, Thomas finished. Alexander was confused, having not listened to the other half of the sentence. “If I go back to school. Foster homes.”, he reminded Thomas. Thomas pouted.

**‘Things I Love About Thomas Jefferson He moves his hands while he talks and gets passionate and just wow. He pouted OH MY GOD FANBOYING RIGHT NOW!’**

Alexander blushed, turning away. “Don’t be that negative. Hopefully your home, if you get one, will be near the school. “Don’t you want to get rid of me?”, Alexander inquired, raising an eyebrow. It was Thomas’ turn to blush. “N-No. It’s just you’re a good debate partner! God Hamilton, no conclusions.” Alexander tried to hide the frown he was wearing, instead pretending to fall asleep in a taunting way.

“ _W-Where am I?”, Dream Alexander asked, looking around. His red hair swooped as he moved. A golden book popped in front of him. ‘Memories’, was splayed across the top. As he opened it, brightness engulfed his vision. He looked down to see a video of the second foster home he’d been to. He watched as his brother was beaten to death, as he was held back and forced to watch. He desperately tried to close the book._

_He heard the cries and screams all over again, causing tears to fall down his face. All of a sudden, it switched to a memory from the hurricane. Sights of teared up trees, dismembered people and scary wrecks were on that page. He successfully turned it. And man, he regretted it. The sight of him being forced into something he didn’t want to do by his 4th foster home was suddenly showed to him, making more tears roll down his face. He let out a broken sob, looking away. He looked into the eternal darkness, seeing a few figures._

_His mother and brother were near him, crying out that it was his fault. Voices from his bullies and harassers kept calling him, “Baby girl! Alexis! Girly! Slut! Whore!”, and_ _many more words. He cried and hugged his knees to his chest, before feeling himself being shaken awake. Again?_

“What happened?”, Thomas asked, rubbing at small tears. Alexander suddenly remembered the dream, sobbing. “Nothing. I’m fine.”, he lied, his voice cracking loudly. “You’re obviously not… If you don’t want to explain, you don’t have to.”, Thomas told him. Alexander nodded, looking away. At this point, he felt like dying. Those voices were still calling out to him.

‘Your fault! Alexis! Slut!’ He couldn’t. He swiftly got up.

“Alex? Sit down, c’mon.”, Thomas instructed. “I-I can’t anymore. I need to leave.”, Alexander refused. Thomas shook his head. “You will, Alexander. Just, stay until they say ot-”, Jefferson was interrupted when his eyes landed on Alexander’s legs. They were bony, covered in slight freckles, just like his face. _**(I HAD TO!)**_ They had scars lining many places, looking like many small horizons. He took a deep breath.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Hey people! This isn't a chapter but, I'm so happy for your comments and such. Because of the views on this, I've finally opened up to some of the internet. I am confused with my gender and I may be unsafely and secretly binding in the future. Again, thank you. I don't think I'd get through this period of time all alone. But, I'm not anymore. <3._ **


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. Suicide. THings. Transphobia. I don't agree with any of the transphobia. ThOsE pEoPlE i MaDe TrAnSpHoBiC are fuckers. I'm sorry, there's a lot of suicide because I've been trapped in a thing of self harm and I was doing it just now and yeah... Sorry dudes. Stay strong! <3

“Alexander, please sit down.”, Thomas begged once again, ripping his eyes away from the scars and to the boy’s face. Alexander glanced down to where Thomas was looking before shaking his head, stepping forward. “I-I can’t. I’m sorry.”, Alexander hurriedly spoke, looking anywhere but Thomas. “Hamilton, they’ll send you back to the foster home until the detectives think you’re being ab-”

 

“I’m not. I’m fine. Please, just drop it.”, Alexander denied. With that, he changed into his normal clothes and walked to where he’d sign out of the hospital. Thomas sighed, leaving the building before Alexander. He leaned up against a wall patiently, waiting for Alexander. About a minute later, the teen came out, his eyes flitting to Thomas before going back to the ground. “Do you have a ride?”, Thomas asked, taking out his keys.

 

Alexander glared, shaking his head. With that, they silently walked to Thomas’ car, neither wishing to break the quiet. That is, until inside the car. “Thomas, don’t tell anyone about what happened at the hospital. Tell them some random guy choked me. Please.”

 

Thomas stared at him, wanting to deny. He wanted to gather the boy up in his arms and pull him out of whatever situation he was in. Unfortunately, he had instead nodded before driving to Alexander’s address. His father awaited on the stoop, staring at the car. Alexander stepped out, thanking Thomas before walking past the man and up to his room. There was no dialogue, just the sound of footsteps against wood. 

 

Thomas briefly glared at the father, before driving away to the comforts of his own home. Right when he had finished turning, he heard a yell of, “Alexis!”, and saw the man stomping in. 

 

“Alexis?”, he called, impatiently. The boy winced, walking down the stairs. “You’re a fucking idiot, aren’t you? Who was that?”, he asked. “I-It’s just someone I know from school; Thomas.”, he replied, bashfully. The man narrowed his eyes at him. “What’d you tell the cops?”, he asked. Alexander almost sighed in relief before replying. “Everything.”

 

Right away, hands were wrapped around his neck, pulling air out of his body.  “You fucking pussy. Couldn’t handle lying to the cops, huh? Was it really that hard?”

 

“Sir, please. If they send m-me back once I get home, i-it’ll look s-suspicious.” James took a deep breath, rethinking his decision as he set the boy down. “Go. And don’t come down unless you’re going to school.”, he demanded.

 

Alexander nodded in reply, rushing up the staircase. He collapsed onto his bed, wincing. Glancing at his clock, he noted it wasn’t that late. And yet, all he felt he could do was sleep.

 

Let’s just say, sleep wasn’t was he got. Instead, visions and screams tore through his brain. And his stomach felt like it was being torn into two. He glanced at the clock, rushing to the bathroom.

 

Ah, yes. Because whoever made bodies switched his with someone else’s, leaving him with this problem. After properly applying the pad and leaving, he plopped down onto his bed. Dysphoria rushed over him like a tidal wave. 

 

He laid on his bed the rest of the night, looking at the ceiling. He barely noticed when the night faded into day. And suddenly, his alarm clock was bleeping. He shut it off and monotonously did his usual routine. Brush your teeth, do your hair, get dressed (Today, he had to switch the pad), and then grab your school stuff. He was done with all of that, holding a blank expression as he walked to school. School was a horror film for him, filled with twists and turns at every corner. Especially today.

 

It seemed every new place he went earned a new pitiful stare sent his way. Every corner was a, “Hey Hamilton.”

 

And it scared him. Because now, he was set with this reputation. He was no longer that loud kid that always yelled, but instead a victim, a shell of what he used to be. And then the rumors came along. Just to add to Alexander’s long growing will to kill himself, people began to spread theories of what may of happened. Some said it was another kid, some said he got drunk. And nobody thought of the real reason. 

 

He walked to Science, his 7th period class. The next, and last, one was to be Mr. Jackson. He walked into Mr. Jasperson’s class looking down. Laurens was waiting at their usual seat, in the back. He sat and pulled out his notebook and a pen, signalling that he didn’t quite want to talk. See, Laurens respected this. He knew that today must’ve been hard and rough.

 

But, some others couldn’t hold themselves back. “Hey, Hamilton.”, someone whispered. He looked in the direction of Samuel Seabury. “What?”, Hamilton asked in reply, writing. “What happened for the last few days?”

 

Laurens opened his mouth to reply, but Alexander already had. “Nothing. You’ll see it on the news soon enough.” “Okay… Be careful, though. There are some real assholes in our school.”

 

Hamilton nodded in reply, offering a small smile before turning away. “Alright, class. Open up to your notes and let’s begin.”, the teacher spoke, turning something on. They all proceeded to do this, staring at Hamilton. By the end of class, there had been a total of 5 whispers and 7 fake smiles. 

 

He was exhausted. But, then again, when was he not? Alexander truly was done with this. And maybe, just maybe, he’d succeed in what he was about to do.  _ Maybe. Hopefully _ , he thought, looking down and walking to last period. He felt Mr. Jackson staring at him, most likely knowing the story. He had always been a favorite of Mr. Jackson’s, along with his dad-friend named George.

 

He awkwardly walked to his seat next to Thomas, which was in the front. He stared at his fingers, which had begun to fidget underneath the desk. For a second, he felt like screaming. He wanted to yell out his emotions, like they could all leave in one yell. Instead, he stayed quiet.

 

_ He stayed quiet. _

 

He turned as he heard the seat next to him shift. “Hey.”, Thomas greeted, pulling a binder out of his bag. Alexander didn’t respond, opting instead to look back down. He could see a frown from the corner of his eye, but at this point he didn’t quite care. All he could seem to see was his fingers as they slid against one another. Alexander didn’t bother to listen as Mr. Jackson began the lesson.

 

“It’s debate day,”, every Tuesday and Wednesday they held a debate. “The topic is ...transgender rights. Like, bathrooms and such. Any volunteers?”, Jackson asked. Alexander could hear Jackson sigh. He knew that John Adams’ dad was the person who chose the topics and things. Thomas, James, and Angelica raised their hands. “Okay. Anyone else?”, everyone looked expectantly at Alexander, who continued to look down. Charles Lee, James Reynolds, and John Adams volunteered. 

 

“Okay… As you know there are 3 questions for each of the 3 people on each team. If you agree that transgender people should be allowed to go to the gender-specific rooms of their choice, go to the left. If not, go to the right.”

 

Thomas, James, and Angelica moved to the left, the others to the right. “This worked out well… Five minutes to prepare for the debate. The first question is about bathrooms. Go.”, Jackson spoke. With that, everyone huddled together and planned points. 

 

**_(People, I don’t agree with anything that Lee, Reynolds or Adams say… It’s for the story. <3)_ **

 

Alexander looked over to John Laurens, who offered a small smile in return. Alexander knew this wouldn’t be the end of debates relating to himself. Next time they’d probably do rape. 

 

“Alright, times up!”

 

_ Already _ ?, he thought, looking up at the people. “Okay, to start us off… Right side start with your first person.”

 

James Reynolds stepped forward, a small smile hidden on his face. “Transgender people will end up starting bathroom drama. They’ll most likely use it as an excuse to see their lovers or to have action in the bathrooms. Either way, men do things in there that is disrespectful for a girl, sorry I mean a transgender, to walk in and see it.”

 

“Okay… Left side.”

 

Angelica glared at him. “Actually, they are whatever gender they wish to be. If they wish to be a boy, then they are. They will not be uncomfortable around other boys and it wouldn’t be disrespectful because just like the people in the bathroom that you do your business around, they are boys as we-”

 

“Actually, if it says female on their birth certificate, that makes them a girl. And, we don’t know what could happen.”

 

Thankfully for Adams, Mr. Jackson hadn’t heard his first sentence. At this point, all eyes were on Alexander. “Hey, no interrupting.”, Mr. Jackson spoke.

 

“Thank you. As I was saying, those people cannot be forced into the opposite gender of theirs either, because then they will maybe get dysphoric or uncomfortable.”

 

The phone rang. Mr. Jackson walked over and picked it up. “I’ll be right down.”, he said to the other line. “I’m going for about 10 minutes. Don’t cause a fight. Please, remain calm.”, he begged, walking down.

 

Alexander could  _ feel  _ his heart speed up. “I should point out that they shouldn’t feel comfortable if they were born a female and transitioned to a male because no matter what they say they are females!”, Adams exclaimed in a slightly hushed tone, closing the door. Thomas glared at him, stepping forward. “That’s a lie! They are males if they wish to be!”

 

They were all in front of Alexander, eyes boring into the back of his head. “Why can’t they suck it up and use the correct restroom? If anything, it’s slutty.”, Reynolds joined in. Now it was James’ turn. “What the fuck do you mean slutty? How so? Because a  _ male  _ uses a male bathroom?”, James yelled in reply. “They are not males for the last time!”, Charles said.

 

“Why?! They aren’t comfortable with the gender assigned at birth, so they became a male! There shouldn’t be arguments against that!”

 

Alexander looked up, waiting for a rude remark. “It is slutty because they probably just want someone to fuck them! Hell, they probably carry condoms around. In fact, I know that someone here could text that theory.”, Adams hissed. Now, Alexander knew that everyone was looking at him. Some were wide-eyes, some were pissed off. And some… Some agreed with Adams. “Well, Alexis?”

 

“I-It’s not Alexis.”, Alexander hissed, twitching his hands. “Holy fuck, look up! You’re a female and that’s all you’ll ever be! Suck it up you sexist bastard.”

 

The room went completely silent as soon as Adams grabbed his collar. Thomas yanked the boy back. “Leave him alone you asshole. He’s a male and you’re obviously blind if you think otherwise.”

 

Laurens took the empty seat next to Alexander, rubbing his shoulder. At this point, even Aaron Burr, in the back, wanted to run forward and punch someone in the face. But, like I said, some agreed. The whole room was suddenly encased in yelling, and Alexander was left with his own thoughts. Dangerous. He only heard the comments of people agreeing with Adams, his brain filtering out the helpful (CORRECCTT) ones. 

 

“She’s a girl!”

 

Once Alexander had decided enough was enough, he got up and simply walked out. He still heard yelling behind him even as he went to his locker and grabbed a book on LGBT Rights, mainly Transgender Rights.. He walked back and everyone stared at him, going silent. He saw Burr yelling at Charles Lee, Thomas about to beat up Adams, Laurens about to beat up everyone and Angelica yelling too. The room was divided into two, leaving him the perfect space. He went into the middle and opened the book to a few pages before handing it to Laurens.

 

**_(This book doesn’t exist, although I wish it did…)_ **

 

“While many may believe that you are born your permanent gender, you are not. Instead, it is something that is mental. If someone doesn’t feel comfortable with their gender, then they do not have to stay and suffer forever. They can transfer from their born gender to the next and don’t deserve to face a struggle doing this. And they deserve to have their born gender forgotten. If they go into their chosen gender’s bathroom, there should be no debate. It’s just a normal thing.”, Laurens read from the highlighted text. “Thank you.”, Alexander muttered, sliding the book into his bag. Mr. Jackson walked in, looking around. “What happened?”, he asked.

 

Everyone who hadn’t been standing up there for the debate sat back down. The bell rang and everyone rushed out, avoiding the whole topic of class completely. Laurens walked out with Alexander, biting his lip. “You alright?”, he asked him.

 

Alexander lied, nodding. “I’m fine.”

 

After stating that, he went to his locker, got his books and walked home with a few tears sliding down his face.  _ They’re right! You’re a girl! Pussy! Just kill yourself! It won’t get better! Go! Leave! _

 

He sighed shakily, stepping through his front door. His father wasn’t home, leaving him with a perfect time to steal a knife and some pills. He grabbed the sharpest one, his mind set on death. He was ready. He trudged to the bathroom, shaking. He grabbed a pill bottle of his father’s. He sat with his back against the drawers and pulled up his sleeve. His flesh was covered in cuts.

 

Adding to the mess, he slid the knife against his arms five times each, relishing in the dizziness.

 

_ Stupid _

Cut.

 

_ Pussy. _

Cut.

 

_ Girl. _

Four cuts along each arm.

 

_ Alexis _

He spelled ‘Alexis’ out, sloppily.

 

His arms were dead, all of them covered in blood. His shaky hand dropped the knife as soon as he heard a scream and a blur of three people. He shoved about twenty pills into his mouth, trying to swallow. Before he could, one of the figures gagged them out.

 

**_From the mysterious Trio’s P.O.V._ **

 

“Is he okay?”, Lafayette asked, as Laurens recapped the events. Laurens shrugged. “We should stop at his house… I don’t think his dad is home. We should be alright.”, Laurens noted. Hercules nodded, wrapping an arm around Lafayette, who was shaking in fear. “He’ll be fine… I hope.”

 

They all smiled at each other, walking the last block to Hamilton’s home. It was large, just like all of the houses. The three walked up the steps. “Anybody got a key just in case?”, Hercules asked. John nodded, pulling out a silver spare. They knocked three times, to no reply. “Alex? I’m gonna come in!”, Laurens called. A muffled sob was heard. 

 

They glanced nervously at each other as Laurens opened the door to an empty home. “Check the rooms.”, he instructed. Hercules went to the kitchen, seeing nothing. Laurens went to the bedroom, to no sight of Alexander. Lafayette had gone to the dining room. Still nothing. They all met up by the bathroom door, which was closed. “Do you think…?”, Laurens suggested. They nodded, opening it.

 

They screamed in unison, at the sight of their friend crying and covered in blood on the floor. Lafayette screamed in warning when Alexander shoved many pills into his mouth, choking. Before he could swallow, Hercules gagged him on his fingers, causing the boy to let them fall. “N-No! Stop!”, Alexander squealed, thrashing. “Lex, calm down.”

 

They picked him up and set him on the counter, wetting a cloth. “Holy shit… Alexander.”, Lafayette cursed. As they washed the cuts, they saw just how many there were and how deep. One wouldn’t stop bleeding, blood squirting out. “Holy shit! I think he popped a vein! Call the ambulance! Quick!”, Laurens screamed. Hercules pulled out his phone. “Hello? 911?”

 

“Yes, my friend attempted suicide. He’s bleeding out and he opened a vein and hurry up! Please!”

 

“The address is 647 Nightingale Lane. Thank you!”

 

He hung up and helped Laurens press something against the cut to cut off the bleeding. They were covered in blood, and yet they didn’t care. “Alexander, focus on me. Can you do that?”, Lafayette asked, trying to keep the boy alive.

 

Alexander was obviously dizzy, falling forward every few seconds. His eyes were drooping closed and he banged his head repeatedly against the mirror, willing it to break. Sooner or later it did, And glass went everywhere. Some even cut Alexander’s head. He sobbed. “Fuck, Alex! Calm down!”, Hercules demanded.

 

The cops rushed in, jumping slightly at the sight. “Okay, were you applying pressure to the wound?”, they asked as they carried him off into an ambulance. They nodded. “Thank you. We’ve got him. You can go change and come see him at the hospital. This is Alexander Hamilton, correct?”, one cop asked. Laurens nodded. “No family that’s completely trustworthy?”

 

They shook their heads. “You guys can come. Change.  _ Please. _ We just have a few questions.”

 

“Do you know why this happened?”

 

“He was raped and stuff… Bullies at school…”, Hercules answered. 

 

“Does he have any mental disorders?”

 

“Yeah, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety and… I forgot.”, Lafayette replied.

 

“This is the second suicide attempt?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

The cops nodded, walking away. The three friends looked at each other, then down at the bathroom. “We should get changed… Laurens, we left some shit at your house, right?”, Hercules asked. Laurens nodded, pulling at his blood soaked shirt. “Let’s go there… C’mon.”

 

They proceeded in silence, nobody knowing what to say. Once arriving, Henry opened the door before gasping. “Did you finally break and murder someone kid?”, he asked his son, raising an eyebrow. “Nope. Alex. Suicide. We need a ride to the hospital after we change… Please?”, John begged. Henry nodded, letting them in with a serious face. 

 

They grabbed random clothes, quickly getting dressed. Once done, they rushed out the door, not at all prepared to see their friend.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just remember, I found this quote on tumblr but yah. "You're the reason to somebody else's smile"
> 
> Certainly mine! <3 GuYs, I rEaLlY love you guys and if you ever need to vent, I'm here. <3
> 
> Lowkey been waiting at 11:59 AM on Tuesday so I could post this... MAI LIFE BE LIKE!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late! I don't know what happened.

Walking through a hospital makes your heart pound. John Laurens, Hercules Mulligan, and Lafayette can certainly confirm this for you. Every doctor with a sad look on their face makes you feel anxiety coursing through your veins.  _ Especially  _ when they are outside of your friend’s hospital room. After awaiting their approval to go into the room, the three friends rushed to Room 106. 

 

With the sight of their friend staring blankly at the ceiling, bandages wrapped around his arms, and a pale and sickly appearance, the three walked in. “Alexander?”, Lafayette whispered, tapping the teen. Alexander’s eyes briefly shifted over to Lafayette, before staring back to the ceiling. “You okay? Are you hurt? Do you want anything?”, Hercules fussed.

 

Alexander shook his head, moving his fingers around. “They said everything is fine… But I can’t ever try this again… I barely survived.”, he muttered quietly. “Well, will you try again?”, Laurens asked. Alexander didn’t respond, turning onto his side, so that he wasn’t facing the three. They glanced at each other nervously. “Look, Alexander. You can’t do this… We got so worried. You could’ve… Could’ve died.”, Lafayette gushed.

 

“That was the goal.”, Alexander responded, louder than before. It was silent, just like at the classroom. And man, wasn’t that fun? He felt a hand touch his shoulder, followed by a slight squeeze. “Alexander, we adore you. We would die if you left us here and also, just a fair warning… Angelica is coming. She’s mad.”, Hercules chuckled.

 

Alexander slumped his shoulders, biting his lip. “They don’t care, Herc. Nobody does.”, Alexander whispered. “Alexander, I care. And I know for sure that they do too.”, Laurens assured him. He didn’t nod or shake his head, allowing his mind to wonder. The door was opened. “Hamilton?”, a voice that Alexander recognized to be Thomas Jefferson spoke. “Have you come to poison us with your horrible opinions?”, Alexander sarcastically asked, facing him. “You wish you could hear my expertise. Now, I’m not here for that. I came with Angelica and I know you’ve probably heard this but… You’re screwed. Also, the fuck?”

 

“Is sh-”

 

“Alexander Motherfucking Dameon Hamilton!”, Angelica yelled, slamming the door open. “How do you even know my confirmation name…?”, he asked.

 

“I fucking love you and I care for you and if you died I would dig your body up and make you apologize. You’re a fucking genius and I know that sooner or later you’ll become a very important person. You’re going to change the world and you will not leave us! You have many people that would join you in the afterlife if you died. I know I would. You are like the fourth Schuyler and I can’t believe you almost did that you adorable idiot!”, Angelica rambled, hugging Alexander. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Now, you need to make sure that you do not try anything like this again. If you don’t, I will motherfucking scream at you. Alright?”, Angelica asked. Alexander nodded swiftly. “Good.”

 

Thomas snickered before plopping onto a chair by the corner. “When will I be out of here?”, Alexander asked, looking up at the ceiling again. “Sooner or later. They might consider… The psych ward. But, I don’t know.”, Angelica answered. “Psych ward?! I can’t do school there!”, Alexander hissed. “That’s your worry? Wow, Hamilton.”, Thomas scoffed.

 

“Fuck you Jefferson.”

 

“Sorry. Why did you even do it?”, Thomas asked. Of all people, everyone knew Thomas would be fine asking questions like these. Anyone else, and Alexander would shut down. “Many reasons.”, he muttered.

 

“...Oh.”

 

Alexander nodded, turning the other way. “Anyways, you can go.”, he spoke after a few seconds. “Why would we go?”, Laurens asked. Instead of responding, Alexander bit his lip and turned over.  _ They all leave… _ , he thought. At that moment, Alexander didn’t know if it was silent. But for him, all he could hear was his thoughts yelling at him. He didn’t turn when he heard the nurse come in to tell them that visiting hours were over. Nor when they left him alone in a dark hospital room. 

 

_ I spend too many nights in here. I shouldn’t be in here. I should be dead. Or just gone. Maybe when you're dead they remember you… I wanna be gone. Erased from history. _ , he thought. His hands wandered to his wrists, which were covered in white bandages. They wrapped around them while blood soaked through. They were helping him to stay alive.

 

That’s when he ripped them off. The wounds were raw, and his skin was scarred. They looked like they were covered in something, and a few were still bleeding. But one was gushing blood. They stung heavily, sending shocks to his brain. “I don’t deserve death… I’m not good enough.”, he whispered into the darkness. He wrapped them back up the best he could.

 

He shifted so that he was more comfortable, before freezing. Something was different. He felt different around his chest. Peeling the top of his hospital gown slightly, he saw what he expected. His binder was missing. His eyes flitted around from place to place, seeing it nowhere. Suddenly though, he saw it inside of the trashcan. He knew it was torn and broken, but now he’d need a faulty one until he replaced it. 

 

For a moment, panic began to surge through him. Every wave washing over him sent his nerves and heart beat in a rush. Every small moment or small sound was the cause of his hands shaking and rubbing against one another. Soon enough, he was sitting up while hyperventilating. He looked around his thoughts before hearing somebody counting. They sounded unsure, like they were learning this and had to do it in front of the class.

 

‘ Un. Deux. Trois. Quatre.’, the memory's voice echoed. It’s voice was a southern drawl. “Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre…”, Alexander whispered, hugging his knees to his chest. ‘Cinq. Six. Sept. Huit.’

 

He repeated the words, his whimpers getting quiet and his heart calming down. His hands were still shaky, moving around each other rapidly. ‘Neuf. Dix.’, the voice finished. Alexander calmed down.  _ Who was that? _ , he thought.  _ How did he even do that? Was it Burr? No… There was a connection to the voice. It gave me… Feelings. My heart… Who? I can’t be in love… Right?  _

 

He searched through the memory, thinking back to it. He finally matched the voice to someone. It’s southern drawl. It’s slightly bitter tone. The confusion. His voice… His hair. 

 

_ Oh shit. I’m in love. Wait, who? _

 

Then he figured it out. It all pieced together. Like when you find all of the missing puzzle pieces.

 

_ Oh fuck.  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who might it be? Also, you guys are all perfect and I support all of you. Contact me at vacation to hell. (The 'Suicide Is Likely' one)
> 
> Again, from Tumblr. 
> 
> "Just because you are broken doesn’t mean you can’t be fixed. Stop telling yourself you don’t deserve something, stop holding back because you think you’re aren’t enough. Haven’t you ever heard that mosaics are made of broken pieces? You may be broken right now, but you aren’t ruined."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sad... Alexander's feelings and my own. <3

Alexander had been quite helpless before. He’d been forced into things, and forced out of things. In the end, he had transformed from a soldier, to a follower who refused to stand his ground. The world had decided to pile problems onto him and wait until he broke. Even if people did claim it gets better, he couldn’t wrap his mind around the thought.

His world was like a forest. You travel deeper, and it gets darker. That forest is filled with towering trees, like memories. Soon enough, they’ll fall. So, you run. You run as fast as you can because that’s what humans do. We see an escape and we take it. The difference is, there is no escape to his world. His world is an endless forest. The trees go on and on, stretch for miles beyond where you may of thought the finish line stood. And that’s when you give up. That’s the moment when people decide that sometimes you let the world take charge. That’s the mistake we all make. Despite many denials, we all let go and go lax to the world.

We can fight and fight, tell ourselves that we will travel out of this if we just fight. And you don’t. Because, albeit the fact that humans run and fight, we also stop. We also let our minds decide everything.

That… Was Alexander’s mistake. Staring at the cold, bright wall, he made the largest decision of his life. He gave up. He gave into his feelings, told himself that maybe  _ just maybe  _ that will “fix him”

Maybe that wasn’t the only reason he grabbed his phone, maybe it was. He stared at the home screen, a dark forest with quotes scattered along branches and trees. Apps and journals were scattered amongst it. Colors bled into the soft decor and turned it into something digital.

He pressed one on the bottom, a picture of a letter opening up. Scrolling through endless conversations that seemed to be insistent in bugging him, he landed on one. ‘Thomas’. Normally, he’d scoff once looking at the name and pretend that his heart didn’t light on fire and spark off of it’s dangerous path. Not this time. He typed across the keyboard, choosing his words perfectly.

_ Me: _

_ Jefferson? I need to talk to you about something. It’s important. _

His finger hesitated over the send button, the red word taunting him gently. Exiting the conversation, he watched as the word ‘Draft’ appeared next to the contact. He gingerly placed his phone atop his plastic bedside counter. The hospital walls were so blank and smooth that it seemed as if his memories were projected across it.

He saw him, except it wasn’t. The Alexander he knew was a timid teenager, a pliant one. The person he had found himself to identify with became the world’s punching bag. He was tossed and turned in so many directions, pieces of him breaking off on each road he took. Every turn that this Alexander left was granted himself as a souvenir.

He was now the one that would let people speak of him in hatred, or maybe even disdain. He wouldn’t be the pride in his father’s voice. He’d been the one that made his voice grow lower, his eyes grow tired. That wasn’t the old Alexander. That Alexander was a mere shadow. The old Alexander was a vivacious and vibrant person, who seemed to let off the most exquisite aura. His soul reeked of wisdom and happiness. He was the one who would make his mother’s tired face expand into a smile. He used to make her heart swell with pride and her soul know that their name would grow a legacy.

He couldn’t identify with that anymore. He didn’t  _ deserve  _ to, in his opinion. Because what would his mother say, if she saw him breaking upon the most gentle of touches. What would she say if she saw him flinch away from human interaction. What… What would pass through Rachel Faucette’s mind when she stared at Alexander now.

All of the times when he let people rip him up and then blame it on others… When he would waste away a break like a paper flowing in the wind. But, then again… Was she watching? Had she given up?

Except, this isn't Alexander. Alexander is just the ruins of a war that was his mind. 

But, that’s not important, is it? You see, people believe that everyone gets better. People believe that they can leave it up to other people, or that suicide is a cry for attention.

But, they are wrong.

And my question is… What exactly do you think?

Would it be hate passing through you when you heard your family member had committed suicide? Or would you feel guilty. Would you pin it on yourself, and instead of setting up a proper legacy for them, allow people to know them as, ‘The One Who Killed Themselves’?

But, no of course. We think it’s right to let people know that they did this, that they should blame themselves. And then, the name of that poor soul has become a pity case. Should it? Would you let it?

Heh… I’m getting out of hand, right? I’m just drawing attention towards myself or just trying to make people pity me, huh? Or am I not.

So my last question, before I grant you the relief of me leaving, is this. Why do us humans allow ourselves to focus on a small thing, like blaming ourselves… When the biggest, most horrible thing we are doing is not setting our loved ones a proper legacy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I love you all. <3\. I will finish this story. Again, sorry. 
> 
> A small quote from F.O.B., "Sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, sorry. <3

Alexander found himself in a restless sleep. His eyes seemed to be pinned open. Despite the many pills, he was awoken five times from a nightmare. His brain was dark when left alone, that’s for sure. The next morning, the sound of yelling awoke him. “-And then at the same time-!” “No, you’re wrong! He can’t go back to-!” “Even if he shouldn’t, he has custody!” As soon as his eyes had fluttered open, the voices stopped. Everyone froze. “What’s happenin’?”, he mumbled.

“Someone’s here to see you…”, Laurens muttered awkwardly. He blinked his eyes from the sleep and looked to the three people. In front of him, Jefferson and Laurens stood with another figure. This wasn’t just any other figure. “James?”, he asked, sitting up. “Hey Lex…”, his brother responded. He clenched the sheets in his hand, feeling astonished. “How?” “Long story. I’m here though. Apparently a family will take us in until James is deemed worthy of custody… It might take a while. They said that until then we’d be staying with… The Mirandas’ I think?”, James explained. “Miranda? Like, Lin? My principal…” James nodded, sitting in the red chair next to Alexander.

“We were just talkin’ about it. The law can be… idiotic.” Alexander studied the boy. He’d grown in the ten years since he last saw him. His eyes were tired and his face was thin. His jet black hair had become messy as well. “I, uh, am sorry I didn’t show up sooner. I was… In a tough situation.” Alexander shrugged nonchalantly, his mind not processing what had just happened. He quickly was reminded of last night. “Oh, shit. I just remembered…”, he muttered the last part. “What happened?”, Jefferson asked, leaning against the wall. “Nothing. It’s nothin’. When am I getting out of here?”, he asked. “Today. Now, I guess.” Alexander felt himself smiling at that fact. “Also, we’ve got news for ‘ya.”, Laurens began.

Alexander nodded. “First of all, Jefferson’s got a boyfriend~! Second of all, they deemed your body unsafe for top surgery.” Alexander felt his heart speed up at the first one and the second one. Who? How? Why? “Who?”, he choked out. “Madison.”, Jefferson replied, checking his nails briefly. “Oh. That’s, um, cool. Congrats.”, he spoke, smiling. “For the second one, why not?” Laurens shrugged before the door opened, revealing a married couple. “Alexander?”, the man whispered. Alexander looked up at them hesitantly with only slight fear in his eyes. The principal and his wife slowly stepped in, ever so quietly. His eyes were trained on the boy in the bed, who he tried to not show pity to. Alexander prayed to every god there was that the world would stop for just a moment. “Hi. That’s Vanessa, my wife. I’m sure you’ve heard that we’re gonna watch over you and James for a while…”

Alexander nodded slowly, avoiding eye contact. “Well, I should be going…”, Laurens said in effort to make them talk, walking out. Thomas followed him without a word. “Do you know how long you’ll be taking us?”, Alexander asked bashfully. “Probably a month or so… There’s gonna be a custody battle of whether or not you’ll be getting adopted.” Alexander stiffened He’d heard of the foster system. Some of his friends ended up with horrible people. Such as Aaron. “We can go now, if you’d like.”, Lin offered. Alexander nodded and they called the nurse to let them out. Once walking off to the car, Vanessa began. “So, we have a multiple rooms. We placed you guys in separate ones, if that’s alright.”

Once again, Alexander nodded and they sat in the car. The brothers sat in the back. The car ride was silent, but comfortably so. As they passed green landscapes and rivers, the houses began to grow. They went from one floors to mansions. They pulled up at a large white one, which a fountain and pillars. Gaping, the two brothers followed their guardians in. “All your stuff is here, Alex. And James, yours is coming.”, Lin spoke. “Let’s go to your rooms, shall we?” They walked past large rooms.

The halls and inside had granite floors and wooden walls. The rooms they led them in were beautiful. Vanessa took James and Lin took Alexander. The rooms were extremely large, with amazing beds and a desk. The closets were large walk-ins. “What do you think?” “It’s amazing. Thank you.” Alexander looked at his stuff in the corner. He quickly rummaged through it. His faulty-binder-making bandages were around the middle of clothes. Smiling he stuffed it in his pocket and turned back to Lin. “If you need anything, you can come to our room. You’ll know when you see it.”, Lin promised him. Alexander nodded, going to the bathroom that was connected to his bedroom. It was huge as well, with a large shower. He pulled his shirt off and applied the binder, before putting it back on. Walking out, he finished his homework as quick as he could and rested on the bed. His eyes were open and staring at the ceiling, before he felt another person in the room. “James?”, he asked the boy. James rolled his eyes when Alexander jumped. “Yeah, hi. Dinner’s ready.” Alexander bit his lip.

“‘M not that hungry…”

“They said for you to come down so they could talk.” Alexander followed his brother reluctantly, nervous. “Alex, James! Hey.”, Vanessa said from the kitchen. They waved and sat on the table. It was rectangular and big. “Alexander, one of your teachers, Mr. Jackson, gave me a notebook for you.” Lin handed Alexander a green and black notebook, with the word, ‘Legacy’, written in cursive on the cover. Opening the pages, he found they were black. A white pen was placed next to him. Alexander excitedly began to write. He began to describe a graveyard, with a moon hanging among the stars. Maybe this wasn’t so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! <3 
> 
> Quote from Tumblr- "You're so scared to tell people about your feelings, that soon it kills you."
> 
> I love you all!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short. I have to finish AOT... Sorry! I only just finished season 1.

But, everything took a turn sooner or later. For there was no sunrise without a sunset to follow. Alexander learned that early in his life, and he really should’ve kept that reminder with him. There were some good parts, of course. Because every morning, they were allowed to walk with whatever friends they wanted. After school, they could stay out as late as everyone else.

 

The list could go on for centuries of how much better this home was. Everything, comes to end sooner or later. It was the morning after, and Alexander groggily got dressed. His eyes had deep bags under them, and his cheeks were sunken in. He was bone-thin and his limbs hung loose. His binder and boxers were the only thing he wore as he stared into the mirror. 

 

This  _ wasn’t  _ him. 

 

He pulled on the black jeans and his dark grey shirt. Grabbing his school supplies, he walked out his room door and finished his routine. Now, he had to greet the Mirandas’. They were kind and caring, and still haven’t changed. “Morning, Alexander. Want breakfast? Your brother already left.”, Vanessa chirped from the kitchen. 

 

Glancing at the time, Alexander realized that he had an extra ten minutes until Laurens picked him up with Lafayette and Hercules. He pulled out his phone to double check while he mumbled, “One second…”

 

**_Me_ **

_ Guys do you know what time you’re picking me up? _

 

After confirming the time, he sat in a small chair. He felt like someone was watching him, so he looked around. He saw nothing except for the average morning in the Miranda house. There were a few minutes of silence, where he thought about those ‘Attack On Titan’ episodes he’d gotten too. He just hoped he hadn’t kept anyone up with the screaming.

 

There was a knock at the door, stumbling him out of his thoughts. He opened it to John and Lafayette. “Where’s Herc?”, he asked while grabbing his stuff. “Sick.”, Lafayette shrugged, checking his phone. “Bye!”, he called out before following his friends. “So, how’s life with the principal?”, Laurens asked.

 

“Good. How’s your life? Wait- I hate my life. I’m only on episode 22 of season 1 in Attack On Titan… Urgh!”, Alexander whined.  **_(MY LIFE RN)_ **

 

They let out small chuckles. “No spoilers!”

 

When they got to the school, there was a horrible situation awaiting Alexander’s eyes. In front of him was Thomas and James Madison kissing. Wincing, he walked the other way, over to his first class.

 

It went uneventful, unlike last times. There were no remarks, instead looks of fear. Why fear? The teacher would cast him extra glances, like he’d do something anytime. Shaking his fist, he grabbed a pen and began to write the notes. He wasn’t really paying attention, so his notes trailed off into something else.

 

Suddenly, he was pouring out his feelings for a certain someone across the page. Heartfelt words filled it as the dark green pen slid across the page. His emotions became words and were thrown everywhere. Now, he thought that there must be eyes on him.

 

Looking around, he only saw one. John Adams was glaring at him with a burning hatred. Normal. Continuing, he took silent breaths. His words seemed to get sadder and sadder, lessening in the love department. It began to say depressing descriptions of everything that’s happened to him.

 

His past was now written across it like an oracle, with bold letters. The curly script seemed to get rougher and messy. Instead of his usually articulate and amazing writing, he was left with nothing. It was not good, whatsoever.

 

**_(Sort of like this story I’m sorry.)_ **

 

He heard the bell ring, and he jumped up. But then, “Alexander Hamilton to the nurse’s office please.”, was spoken on the loudspeaker. He groaned and made his way to the other side of the building, looking down. He entered the doorway and looked up. “Alexander! Good to see you. How are you these days?”, the cheery nurse asked.

 

Gritting his teeth, the boy responded with a simple, “Fine.”

 

The smile on her face seemed to falter, but she continued. “That’s good. So, we just need to do a quick test as directed by the hospital. I swear, it’ll be fast.”

 

He nodded and followed her. “Please, put down your stuff.”, she instructed. He placed them down. “Step on the scale…”

 

He did. She began to take his weight, biting her lip. “Hm… Alright. Alexander, do you have lunch or lunch money today?”

 

Alexander looked back, remembering when Vanessa slipped a $10 bill in his pocket. “Yeah. I do.”

 

“Good. I just need you to get something that’ll give you the necessary nutrients. You look malnourished.”, she demanded softy. He agreed, albeit lying, and left when she said he could. While walking in the hallway, he was interrupted. “Alexander Hamilton. Good to see you. What’s up?”, John Adams asked, way too cheerily. George King and Charles Lee stood behind him. Samuel Seabury was in the back quietly.

 

“Nothing, Adams.”, he muttered, trying to walk past. Instead, Adams grabbed his arm and yanked him back. “What do you mean, nothing? Are you… Mad at me, Hamilton?”

  
Glaring, he tried to pull his arm back. He didn’t succeed. He was in for a rough time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oopz.
> 
> Rant to me @ tumblr. vacationtohell the suicideislikely one...


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'd like to point out that you guys have been supporting me so much. I adore each and everyone of you. Thank you all, really.   
> <3
> 
> Also, shoutout to I_Put_Myself_Back_In_The_Narrative. They've been here since the exact beginning and have commented! <3

He was cornered, like predator to prey. Except, they were among the same species. Instead of beady snake eyes staring into his mouse eyes, he was met with the black of John’s eyes. He winced as a hand was set upon his shoulder. “Tell, me… Who did you talk to about our little mishap? Hm?”, Adams questioned, a smirk growing on his face.

 

There was a beat of silence, a moment where Alexander had let his guard down and gotten his hopes up. He glanced over to the corner, not seeing anyone. “I didn’t  _ tell  _ anyone. Asshole.”, he whispered the last part in hopes he wouldn’t hear. Hoping doesn’t always work. A hand made contact with his eye, and suddenly black dots danced in his vision. There was another voice, Alexander could tell.

 

Another presence… But, his breathing shallowed out, his skin broke out into sweat. Gliding across each other were his fingers, tangling and untangling. After a few minutes, a hand was on his hand. “Alexander, can I touch you? Are you alright?”, a voice asked.

 

Nodding, Alexander gripped the hand tightly. “Deep breaths… In… And out… You’re safe. You’re alright. Just, breathe with me. Can you do that? Good…” 

 

He was breathing. His breath wasn’t shallow, he was safe. He was alright. He was breathing with the mysterious voice. His vision finally went back, and he saw Thomas Jefferson. Of course because, who else? “I-I’m sorry. You should probably get back to class…”, Alexander mumbled, standing up. Thomas rolled his eyes. “Why are you sorry? Jeez, Hamilton. You’re… Not the same anymore.”

 

Alexander turned to his feet and continued in the direction of his next class, noticing a late pass that the nurse probably gave him last minute in his hand. Right. He entered and handed the teacher the pass before sitting down, keeping his head as low as possible. They began to go over notes. He knew all about science. He knew all about the past. 

 

Alexander still remembered the time when he was happy. The time when Ash Ackerman was with him. They were happy, of course. They were all smiles and romantic dates. Ash was his sunshine and everything above. The sun does leave.

 

As the sun set on the day of May 20, a teenager was found dead on the street. His mangled corpse lay there, dead. Blood pooled around him, in a painting of red. On the chalky road, another teenager was crying on his knees. Onlookers stared in horror.

 

The news crews came, pushed everyone away. Parents cried over the broken son, and siblings cried over the loss. Everyone lost something that day.

 

The dead-boy was known as the ‘Nicest Kid In The School’. His boyfriend was known as one of the toughest, and loudest. They were a perfect couple.  _ Were. _ Most people lost a helping hand, a friend that was never a bystander. Some people lost an extra fistbump. Some people didn’t really know him.

 

But, their friends did. Everyone was connected to him in at least one way. Especially the boyfriend. He had broken after watching it, completely torn apart. He let everything happen to him, didn’t put up a fight. Everyone thought it was normal in the beginning, just shock and denial. It didn’t end there, only got worse. 

 

The boy from before had been removed, leaving the shell of a person once there. The newspapers still read, ‘16 Year Old ‘Ash Ackerman’ Killed In Horrible Gang Accident- New Information’. News crews still showed up at Alexander’s doorstep for tips and quotes. He never really answered, just shrugged. 

 

He had to let go, but how could he if they wouldn’t let him? You can’t forget something like that. 

 

The teacher put a paper on his desk. He read it and slouched his shoulders. Detention slip. For what, exactly? He didn’t know. He sighed as soon as the bell rang, picking up his belongings. It was lunch detention, meaning he’d have to skip that period. 

 

He met up with John in the hallway, who immediately noticed something was wrong. “A, what happened to your eye? B, what’s wrong?”, he asked. “John Adams… I was just- Do you ever think about Ash anymore?”

 

John frowned. “Yeah… Yeah, I do. Wanna talk about it?” “I want the news crews to stop talking about it… I-It’s my fault that he died… I should just tell them that. I could’ve taken the hits… It’s all my fault. I should’ve died.”

 

“Hey. No. You shouldn’t of. I knew Ash. Believe me, he’d kill himself if you had died. Ash loved you and still does. I’d die as well.”, John assured him, opening his locker. “Thanks, John. Also, did you get any detentions today?”, Alexander asked.

 

“No. Why?”

 

“Lunch detention… I dunno why.”

 

“Oh. Wow… Where?”

 

“Science.”

 

John choked. “Why would one of the nicest teachers give you detention? Were you talking or something?”

 

“Spaced out.”

 

They continued to walk as soon as John’s locker door slammed shut. He closed the lock and they walked to their classes. “C’mon.”, Alexander muttered, blankly walking in. Him and John sat in their normal seats. They glanced over to the corner, where Thomas sat. His lips were slightly swollen, a reflective look on his face. Alexander turned back, groaning.

 

“They’re in fucking love… Of course.” “Lex, it’s alright. There’s other people. There are  _ some  _ hot guys in our school.” Chuckling, Alexander looked down at his hands. ‘ _ Sure, like Thomas would ever like you. Fucking pussy. _ ’

 

He took a sharp inhale. He was fine. Nobody was here. He’s alright. He’s safe. He is, right? Instead of questioning everything, he joined back into the conversation. The teacher had begun the lesson, and he hadn’t noticed. Taking notes, his mind drifted off again. John poked him in the side, showing him that a new slide of notes was being shown.

 

How was Ash still affecting him? Why? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started putting motivational stuff at the end... Here's something.
> 
> Depression is like a hole. Slowly and slowly, the dirt erodes. It falls apart, with each bad event. More shatters and the hole gets deeper. Let's say your friend falls in. They're falling and falling, they can't get to the top again. You have to reach down. They might not think they want help. They might not think they want to live. Show them that life is worth it. Make sure they know that you've let down a rope, a way for them to escape.
> 
> Everybody has flaws, everybody has scars.
> 
> Help fade them.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet again, <3 xD <3

 

Our loved ones never truly leave our minds. We always have that trailing afterthought when seeing a reminder of them. Maybe, you remember your father’s favorite flower. And maybe, your father is among spirits. But suddenly, he’s back. You’re staring into the bright or dark colors, a hope blossoming in your heart. Maybe you pick the flower, maybe you break down. Maybe both.

 

Either way, we can never forget about the ones we loved. Just like you remember that sister, or that mother, Alexander remembered Ash. Everytime he saw strawberry icecream, he thought of a memory that can never be reenacted.

 

_ “I’ll have strawberry, please!”, Ash said with a giggle, bouncing up and down. Alexander glanced over at him, laughing. His world was bright, the sun was molded into the sky, it’s rays casting the best sunlight upon Ash. His features were sharp, and his smile lit up Alexander’s world. Suddenly, he forgot about the sharp slaps from his father, or the bruises yellowing around his arms. _

_   
_ _ He forgot about everyone but Ash. Because, everyone had hurt him. Ash hadn’t. “How do you like strawberry?”, Alexander asked once they had gone to sit by a pond. The blue waves reflected the sun beautifully. Laughing, Ash replied, “Oh shut up, Mr. I’ll have orange sherbert!” _

 

_ They both laughed and looked out to the dock, smiling. Alexander nuzzled his head into Ash’s shoulder, smiling. “Love you.”, Ash whispered. “Love you too.” _

 

But, like I said, this memory would never occur again. Ash was gone and all Alexander had left was the mental image of strawberry icecream. He’d never watch his love devour it, because his love was no longer here. He’d have to get through it, though. That’s all he ever does. Get through things. If you don’t, you’ll trail behind.

 

So Alexander waited from class to class, until finally he had to attend detention. Walking into the quiet and eery room, he scanned over the people. Most were the cliche bad kids, the ones who most likely just wanted to look cool, and the stoners. He walked to where he heard John say he could, as for some reason there were reserved seats.

 

Looking at the board, it said, ‘You may write, draw, or read silently.’

 

He slumped his shoulders, looking at everyone else. They did as they were told without a fight, probably knowing what would happen if not. He pulled out a looseleaf and began to write a report on the book he was reading, given to him by Mr. Jackson. It was detailed, and it looked ready for a contest.

 

Finally, the bell rang. Thankfully, he got out without a problem. He turned the corner so he could get to his next class, when he stopped. In front of him, he saw two people with their lips attached. They were smiling, he could tell.

 

Looking down, he molded into the crowd. He dodged in between people, getting to his class and continuing his report, despite the fact that it was basically done. He found himself getting lost in his work, pretending to take notes while the teacher spoke. He glanced up a few times for good measure.

 

Too soon, class was over yet again. He felt worn out all of a sudden, like he would sleep at any moment. His friends gradually noticed through the day, looking at him with concern. He waved them off instead of explaining, adding a fake smile. One kid, however, wouldn’t take that. His best friend whom he trusted with anything, cornered him. 

 

“Alright, what’s up? We all noticed somethings wrong.”, John spoke. “I don’t know… I just feel tired.”, the words were too much, obviously, as he began to violently cough. Blood trickled in between his fingers. “Let’s just go to the nurse. It might be that thing the doctors said.”, John muttered.

 

Without a pass or anything, they made their way. The nurse made him sit down right away as she carefully examined him. “Go to the doctors with this,”, she began after a moment. “It’s for Cystic Fibrosis pills. This could also be a side effect of your other pills but, still.”

 

Nodding, Alexander took it. The last bell rang before they could get to class, allowing them to leave school. They walked alone to their homes, Lafayette and Hercules having stayed for a club. “Are you still annoyed with the Thomas thing?”, Laurens asked. Alexander shrugged, his mind flashing back to Madison and Jefferson.

 

“It’s just… I could be doing that right now. If it weren’t for that day, I might’ve been healthy and happy and shit. I lost the chance for that in one day…”

 

Laurens held his hand and squeezed it, smiling reassuringly. “Hey, I’m here if anything,”, he began. “Also, you deserve happiness. Ash would agree. You’ve been through so much… It’s not fair anymore. Really, you deserve to smile everyday and never have to fake it.”

 

Alexander squeezed him back. “Same to you.”

 

They walked in silence after that, but either boy could tell what the other was thinking of.  _ Ash. _

 

He’d imprinted something on their minds, wouldn’t let them forget. But, did they want to? Do we truly wish to forget about our loved one’s deaths? Or is it a mind trick, where we really want to stop feeling emotion. We don’t want the tears while seeing a certain ice cream flavor. We don’t want the sobs and frowns at certain places. We just want to be stoic. 

 

It hurts though. It hurts because you know that you could’ve done something, but not anymore. Maybe if you were a bit more careful… Maybe if you’d grabbed them in time… Maybe if you brought them to the hospital in time. Maybe if you died for them?

  
But, I don’t want you to die for them. Sooner or later you’ll realize that you don’t deserve to die. While nobody is perfect and I’m sure you all have flaws, you’ll find someone who loves you for you. You’ll be happy, and there’ll be a genuine smile for everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, and never explained."
> 
> <3! I love you all! Thanks!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short... Finals and 4th quarter. ;-; <3

Sometimes, you can help but wonder: “What would our past loved ones think of us now?” You can’t stop yourself, and we all know that’s true. So that’s probably why Alexander found himself staring up at the ceiling at exactly 4:35 A.M. What would Ash think of him now? With his suicide attempts and many failures.... What now?

 

He could tell when the moon went to sleep, and the sun came up. Yet that didn’t affect him. All he could think of was the fact that Ash was probably disappointed with him. And now? Now he’s in love with another boy. A taken boy.

 

He finally closed his eyes, falling into a sleep of twists and turns. At about 9:45 A.M. on a Saturday, he was awoken. Groggily opening his eyes, he saw Vanessa poking him. “You have therapy today…”, she whispered. He groaned before nodding. As the woman walked out, he began to get dressed. He wore a Twenty One Pilots shirt with a pair of ripped black and red jeans. 

 

He checked himself in the mirror, making sure everything was fine. He played around with his hair for a bit, before deciding on a simple ponytail. Grabbing his hoodie, he headed out.

 

( [ http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=221742316 ](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=221742316) )

 

With his hands in his pockets and his head down, he walked to the table. He could feel eyes on him, but that was normal now. He heard his brother speak of a job he found that didn’t have many requirements and frowned. Maybe he just needed a job. 

 

Still, for now he quietly went with Lin into the car as they began to drive to the therapy session. Lin probably understood how scared and nervous Alexander felt, talking about his week and sometimes pausing just in case Alexander wanted to add in. He never did, and yet he never stopped trying to make the boy speak. What would the man think? Would he agree with those people? Would he call Alexander a drama queen?

 

At this point, countless stupid ideas ran through the teens head. Finally, they pulled up to the building. His eyes nervously trailed along all of the edges, checking for any dangers. They stepped onto the curb before entering. “Ready?”, Lin asked, smiling. Alexander nodded slowly while following him to the front desk. “Alexander Hamilton.”, Lin spoke. 

 

The man at the desk nodded and smiled, handing him a paper. “Dr. Sullivan will be with you in a second.”

 

They sat down silently in the waiting area, listening to the whining and cries of kids. As soon as he entered, he knew something was wrong. Most people in her seemed kind of crazy, while others were reserved and silent. The past visitors looked high, and yet calm. Their eyes held a fear and excitement, while there bodies sat still. 

 

“Alexander Hamilton?”, Alexander heard. They walked to an oak door that led into a white room with black chairs. “I’m Mrs. Sullivan. Nice to meet you, Alexander.”

 

With that, Alexander and the doctor were inside. They started to introduce themselves, although Alexander felt tense. The woman stared into his eyes as she began to talk. “Alright, just tell me what’s on your mind.”

 

She pulled out a clipboard with papers and a pencil. “I-I dunno.”, Alexander whispered, fiddling with his fingers. The woman chewed on her lip before beginning again. “Have there been any bad memories creeping up on you?”

 

Alexander shivered, nodding slowly. His mind flashed back to the night where him and Ash sat under the stars. Their hands were laced together and their shoulders touched. Alexander’s bony hand squeezed his boyfriend’s. They smiled and pecked each other’s lips before it got deeper. Hands were in hair, and Alexander was on Ash’s lap. All Alexander could remember was melting into Ash, and enjoying every second of that night.

 

He didn’t regret spilling that flashback to the doctor, not noticing when her eyes went wide with surprise. After all, he randomly started talking. “And where is Ash today?”, she asked, writing. “He’s… Uh, he’s dead.”

 

She nodded and offered a smile, continuing to write. She looked at him with curiosity instead of pity, immediately making him feel comfortable. “Anything else on your mind?”, she asked again. “Uh… I’ve just been thinking about some things people have said and stuff. Bad memories from my old home… That’s really it though.”

 

“And what have people been saying?”

 

“Just… insults. I’ve gotten beaten up and slammed into lockers a few times… A few kids were being transphobic before.”, he answered with a wince.

 

She leaned forward. “Is that so… Well, what do you think we should do about that?”

 

“I… I don’t know. Although, I can’t say that I don’t deserve it.”, he sighed. A bell rang, and she dismissed him with a smile. He waited as Lin spoke with her before he appeared again. Lin smiled down at him. “Wanna get ice cream or something?”

 

Alexander chuckled, following him out the door and into the car. It wasn’t silent this time, they were singing along to a song that he’d heard before. He just couldn’t get over the fact that for once he got curiosity instead of pity. It had always annoyed him when people looked at him like that, but now it was over. He was satisfied with the present at the moment. 

  
He allowed himself to laugh and sing with Lin, letting his memories float away until he didn’t even remember them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr Quote  
> "I'm drowning and you're standing there three feet away screaming, 'Learn to swim!'  
> <333


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG THIS IS SO SHORT!!! I WAS STRESSING OVER FINALS SO I PUBLISHED WHAT I HAD!!! SORRY THIS WAS SO LATE!!!

The thing about relationships, is that one second everything can be calm and loving, and after a few side glances at another person? Suddenly that tranquility is all screaming and tossed objects. Exhibit A; Thomas Jefferson was watching as his boyfriend’s steps echoed across the living room floor. Back and forth. His head was in his hands but he could see tears slipping through the cracks. There was quite obviously a grimace on his face. Finally, after a variety of soul-crushing moments of silence, James Madison spoke. “Look… Thomas, we both obviously like other people… And don’t think I don’t notice the glances at Alexander. We’ve over… I’m sorry.”, James said while he grabbed his jacket and shoes. He opened the door and walked out. Just like that, Thomas was thrown back into the world of having no romantic partner.

However, James was correct. He’s always found Alexander to be peculiar, yet attractive. If it wasn’t just his looks, it was the fact that his personality screamed what Thomas desired. He wanted to have the match that would yet again light up the fire in his now dull eyes. So, like any other teen drunk on heartbreak, he grabbed his phone. He was happy nobody brought up the fact that Alexander’s contact name was simply, ‘Hamilton’, with a few hearts trailing after it. Thomas decisively pressed the call button, bringing the phone up to his ear. The boy answered after it rang a few times. He sounded a bit worn out, like he was just running or something. He heard laughing in the background. “Hello?”, Hamilton asked.

And for the first time in a few years, Alexander sounded like himself again. “Hey, Hamilton, what are you doing on Friday after school?”, Thomas quickly asked. He knew that he shouldn’t go right to dating but it was a spur of the moment decision. “Um… Nothing, why?”, Alexander answered. He seemed to calm down a bit, although there was still a happy tone to his voice. “Wanna go to the Liberty Coffee House with me on Sunday?”, Thomas asked, slowing down. Hamilton hesitated. “Like a date? What about James?” “We… broke up. So is it a yes or a no?”, Thomas asked, starting to get nervous. “Uh… Sure, yeah. See ‘ya then.”, Alexander hung up. He was laughing as he did. Smiling victoriously, he set his phone down. T

hen it all hit him. Alexander Hamilton was going on a date with him. This had been a dream for god knows how long. He finally had the chance to light that match. He collapsed on the couch, smiling as he fell asleep. Alexander was still very much awake. He was next to his foster father, Lin. They watched Mean Girls 2 and made fun of how bad the actors were. It was almost comical. They glanced to the side when Vanessa came in to join them.

Soon enough, Alexander was asleep with whom he hoped would be his forever family. As he slept, his mind was filled with dreams for the future. When Thomas woke up, he realized that he’d woken up two hours before he had to go to the coffee place. He pulled out his phone and texted Alexander, ‘I’ll pick you up at 10.’ He pulled on some clothes, blue jeans and a purple shirt. He checked his phone and relaxed, watching a Dan and Phil video as he let his anxiety slowly melt away.

With Alexander, his morning was different. He awoke covered in popcorn with loved ones surrounding him. Smiling, he glanced at his phone. On the home screen he saw, ‘I’ll pick you up at 10.’ from Thomas. He straightened and darted up, seeing as it was 9:29. He quickly changed into his binder and a pair of ripped jeans with a red twenty one pilots shirt before brushing his teeth. He had roughly ten minutes, giving him time to apply his contacts and comb his hair.

The door rang as soon as he had gotten his black sneakers on. He opened it to see Thomas there, looking down at him. He glanced up, squinting at the sun. “Hey.”, Alexander muttered. Thomas smiled and waved. “You ready?”, he asked. Alexander nodded and followed Thomas into his car. He sat in the passenger’s seat, watching Thomas closely as he began to drive. He couldn’t screw this up. He just couldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry! <3
> 
> Quote- "You don’t want to die. No, you just want the pain to go away. You just want the sadness to end, but you don’t know how to get rid of it without killing yourself."


	16. Chapter 16

This isn't a chapter but I'm thinking of making a sequel where they're in college and alex is kinda recovered and they all go to Harvard but Idk how many more chapters of this one I should add. XD <3333

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I just want to say that if you have been raped, it is not your fault! Those assholes don't deserve to ruin you. Allow yourself to talk to someone because, trust me, it really helps. And please don't blame yourself. You did nothing. All you did was be innocent while some jerk decided to make you feel like you're not.
> 
> But, you're perfect.
> 
> <33


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